No explanation is needed for the title of this post.  Everyone knows Officer 21, or rather, everyone knows of him.

Students live in constant awareness of that roving golf cart with the cute orange light on the top, of taking the parking ticket off the front of your car and seeing that name on the bottom.  Many people get a glimpse of him as he goes by, and chances are, if you go in the public safety office on any given day, you’ll hear people complaining about an unfair ticket.  We all have stories of how it feels to see that ticket on your car, and how it makes you feel like Kirk in the second feature film in the original Star Trek canon.

You

We at Furman Underground would like to give you a few tips to avoiding the most feared person on campus.

1. Don’t Drive – This is the most obvious way to avoid getting a ticket.  Get your fat ass out of bed 10 minutes earlier and walk to class.  You’re helping the environment and cutting down on “visual pollution,” whatever that means, not to mention the fact that it totally eliminates any temptation to drunk drive across campus (which is, by the way, every bit as illegal and stupid as drunk driving anywhere else).  Now, we know that there are those times when you need to drive, but the easiest way to avoid Officer 21 is to never see him.

2. Know When to Drive – According to Public safety, they want all cars in their designated lots from 7am-3pm (apparently, that’s in that dumb parking rules brochure that you threw out the first week of school); so, know when to drive and when they’re probably not going to give you a ticket.  For the PDen, don’t park in the 15-minute spots; you’re painting a target on your back.

Now, our next tricks are a bit more sneaky, but we know that you don’t always follow the rules, do you, you rebel?

3. Leave the Ticket on your Car – Now, this may seem like the oldest trick in the book, but surprisingly enough, it usually works.  Assuming you’ve already gotten a ticket, you can keep it in your glove compartment and put it back under your windshield when you need to park somewhere, hopefully fooling Officer 21 into thinking that he’s already given you a ticket.  What, you don’t think he writes so few that he can keep track?

4. Don’t Register Your Car – I have it from a reputable source (who will remain nameless for obvious reasons) who has parked as a guest on campus, moving from one lot to another, since September, and has yet to get a ticket or run into Officer 21.  Please note, this strategy is dangerous, but if you feel like taking a risk, you might just get away with it.  Or you might not.

5. Back Into Your Parking Space - I know some people have had luck backing into parking spaces. The logic is that O-21 will not go crawling into the bushes to see whether you have the correct parking sticker. It’s a little risky though so use at your own risk.

6. Keep Your Record Clean – Pay off your tickets as you get them. I have been pardoned for two tickets this year (one for parking, one for not stopping at stop signs) because I had no outstanding tickets on my record.

7. 18 miles an hour?  You Betcha. Pay attention to road signs, and stop at the stop signs, even if it’s 12:30 am on a Wednesday night. According to FUPO, “there are a lot of people walking around” at this hour. Never mind the fact that I never saw a single pedestrian. Maybe FUPO should be featured on Ghosthunters, as they seem to have the paranormal ability to see people who aren’t there.

[Thanks to Tory for the last 3 tips]

We hope this helps everyone.  Do you have any other suggestions?  If they’re good, we’ll add them to the post.